The D Word

Today's post is brought to you by the letter D. This is a difficult post to make because it's a topic I don't enjoy being transparent about. It makes me feel uncomfortable to let people I'm not close to know that I am struggling. But lately I've tried to be a little more transparent about it because I can see the efforts being made by others to get rid of the stigma attached to mental illness. That's right, D is for Depression. I chose this particular photo for my header because it's a picture of something I absolutely love to do, take my baby for walks, but something that's monumentally hard for me to do when I'm depressed. Do you remember that commercial that was on several years ago? It was for cymbalta or some other anti-depressant. Anyway, in the ad, a woman tried going about her daily routine and you can tell she's not feeling it and you can see those around her are being affected by it. The ad keeps repeating "depression hurts" - everywhere, everything, everyone - and it's so true. Depression is a painful mental illness. It hurts my body, it hurts my heart, and it hurts my loved ones. I can blame depression for a million things going wrong on my life. I blame depression for my drastic weight gain, I blame depression for the demise of my relationship, and I blame depression for keeping my child cooped up inside all day. 

As a lot of you know, I recently started a new diet and workout routine. I was lucky to start on a good day. If you have ever struggled with depression or anxiety then you know what a good day looks like. You might have gotten more than 3 hours of sleep, you wake up content and motivated, etc. but when Wednesday came 'round that dark cloud started to rear it's ugly head. It made its presence known first by stealing my appetite and then my motivation and suddenly achieving my daily goals felt a lot like running a race in quicksand. Every day since then I've had to force myself out of bed, out of the house, into the shower. I've had to force healthy food in my mouth because suddenly, nothing tastes good. I'm still pushing through my workouts because honestly, that's the easiest hard thing for me to do right now. It has a beginning and an end. But it's asking too much of me to say "make a healthy meal and eat it". 

I wish "fixing" myself were as simple as making a list of things I'm grateful for or talking to a therapist or going for a run or popping a magic little pill. But it's not. So I have to keep on doing the best to my ability. I have to continue trudging through this quicksand until I make it to the other side, if only to be there for a little while. 

I want to tell you something though. Depression doesn't define me. It doesn't determine my abilities as a mother. Nothing is black and white and sometimes, you can care for another person before caring for yourself. Sometimes you have to. 

I hope if you're struggling with depression or anxiety or any mental illness you won't try to walk through the quicksand alone. I hope you'll talk about it without fear of judgement. I hope you'll write about it or sing about it or joke about it or do absolutely anything necessary to get it out there. And if it's something you do, pray.  Let Christ help you carry the burden. It's not yours alone to bear. 

Brenna 

On Being Extraordinary

"What will you have accomplished by this day's end?"

I ask myself this question at least a dozen times each day. I have to. It keeps me focused, driven, motivated. I am not a focused, driven, or motivated person. I'm just not. In fact, I'm pretty lazy most of the time. Asking myself this question often reminds me to do something productive before the day is over. Whether that be a load of laundry, filling an etsy order, loading the dishwasher, etc. ANYTHING. Besides caring for my 4 month old round the clock because, oh yeah, I do that too. Accomplishing small tasks throughout the day makes me feel productive, but it doesn't actually make me feel accomplished. In fact, I haven't felt truly accomplished in a while. I think that's a symptom of being a stay at home mom sometimes. The ins and outs of our day-to-day lives can feel very average and even mundane. It's difficult to feel like I'm truly accomplishing anything despite feeling absolutely drained at the end of each day. 

I wake up every morning at around 6 AM (after roughly 4-5 hours of sleep, on a good night), change L's diaper, nurse him, attempt to feed myself a decent breakfast (usually end up settling for dry toast), entertain him for a couple of hours, change his diaper, nurse him down for a nap, tackle a chore or two, change L's diaper, nurse him, wear him in the sling while doing various tasks, change his diaper, play with him, nurse him down again, attempt to have some down time, change his diaper, nurse him...and the whole day pretty much looks like that on repeat until bed time. 

Even though I do so much every day, I struggle with feeling truly accomplished. I feel very, well...ordinary. And I don't like it. I want to feel extraordinary. But, how? What will it take for me to feel like I'm not "just average"? I don't know that I ever won't feel that way and I don't know that it matters. 

You know the saying, "beauty is in the eye of the beholder"? Well, maybe greatness is in the eye of the beholder as well. What truly measures greatness? To some, greatness is a Ph.D. To others, it's selflessness and a servant's heart. Some people measure greatness in riches. So perhaps greatness is relative. In that case, who's to say I'm not great? Who's to say I'm not extraordinary? I might not be your idea of extraordinary. I might not even be my own idea of extraordinary. But that doesn't mean I'm not.

There isn't one factor that makes an ordinary person extraordinary, just like there isn't one thing in particular that makes a person beautiful. We are all just human beings attempting to be the best versions of ourselves. Maybe we are all extraordinary, and if we'd only stop comparing ourselves to our neighbors we would see it, too. If every day you are doing the best that you can do to be better, to move forward, to grow; then you are being extraordinary. Remember that. 

Via Pinterest.com

Three Months With Liam

6/7/15

Please. Stop. Growing. I can hardly believe you are 3 months old! This month your really started to look different. I can finally see more of myself in you! You definitely have mama's eyes, especially when you smile and they turn into little crescents like tiny moons above your cheeks. You are the definition of love. Always smiling and cheerful. You love everyone, but mama most! You're starting to grab things now, like your giraffe wubba nub and your cow chew toy that we call "el becerro". They're your favorite toys and when your aunt Stella draws pictures for you she always includes them. You are reaching and grabbing and chewing everything. This month you had your final hearing screening and you passed with flying colors. You went swimming for the first time and loved it, just like I knew you would. My little Pisces babe. You also started to giggle a lot more, but no full belly laughs just yet. In your third month of life you wore mostly size 0-3 months. Some 3 months clothes are a little big on you still. We celebrated my first Mother's Day this month, thank you for being the reason I get to celebrate. We also went to your first catholic mass for aunt Claire's 8th grade graduation. You didn't like it when people clapped. Your third month was a good one. I love you with my whole heart. 

-Mommy

6/29/2015

Today you demanded every ounce of my attention. You wouldn't let me look away from you. Your papa and I took you to the park and pushed you on the swings. You laughed and laughed. Your smile nearly made my heart burst with happiness. I nursed you to sleep and your daddy took you  to bed so that I could relax for a bit. I'm so happy to be laying beside you now. You make life worth living. 

Two months with Liam

Catch up post! Liam is already almost 4 months old but I completely got sidetracked and never published his two month post. So here it is. better late than never!

5/7/2015

Liam, you are 2 months old! This month you did a lot of growing. You make me and your papa so, so proud. Your little face changed as fat began to fill the wrinkles in your skin. You are much more alert now, I can see you taking in everything around you. You are content to just watch all the excitement quietly from my arms. Some days are hard as we both learn to roll with the punches and adjust to life with you on the outside. Daddy works hard so that I can stay home with you all day long. You are my favorite person. 

Weight: 12 lbs 3 oz 

Height: 24.7 in

Head cir.: 16.2 in

Milestones: better head control, holds head up when on belly. 

It's summer!

Ah, summer. Not my favorite season, but one to be enjoyed nonetheless. Where I live, it gets painfully hot in the summer time. It's not unusual to have 108 degree days. But despite the blistering heat, sunburns, sweaty pits, and mosquitoes, it can be nice. There's always an excuse to get in the pool, a backyard BBQ is never far, and my birthday comes around in July. Not too shabby! I'm turning 21 this year and I have so much more to celebrate than my first legal drink. This will be my first birthday as a mom and I couldn't be more grateful. Liam is my greatest gift. So, fittingly, I'll be celebrating my special day with the most special person in my life. 

In other news; in 24 hours (and then a little) I'll have a 12 week old baby! Holy cow. STOP. GROWING. I'm for real. You need to chill with that nonsense. And he really is growing like a weed. We're in the middle of a very big, very painful growth spurt at the moment. I'm talking nursing every hour, too tired to sleep, fussing nonstop. He seems to be past the worst of it but it doesn't help that he's also teething. Anyway, I hate to complain. I actually do have a really "good" baby. I have very little to gripe about in the grand scheme of things. 

So that's a little update on what's going on in our neck of the woods. What's happening in yours?

Until next time! 

My First Mother's Day

First, let me wish a very happy Mother's Day to all of you beautiful mamas and mamas-to-be! Mother's Day is such an important day because, though we should recognize our mothers every day, it's also nice to have a whole day to be acknowledged by those you love most in the world - your children. 

This year I celebrated my first Mother's Day as a mom. It was mellow and uneventful, but so, so good. I woke up and cuddled with Will and Liam, had brunch with my family, took my sisters out for ice cream, took a nap with my squish, then took some Mother's Day photos while the sun set. It was truly perfect. 

There's no feeling like being a mother. To look into your child's eyes and see yourself reflected is indescribable. Motherhood is raw and emotional and terrifying and beautiful all at once; and it is the greatest job I have ever had. Today I was able to reflect on that. Liam was conceived close to this time last year and I've been thinking about all the events leading up to his conception. Several friends of mine had dreams that I was pregnant or had a child and then I began having dreams that I had a baby. I think I was meant to have a child young. Nothing has ever felt more natural or right. I certainly have my moments of frustration and impatience, but if I could relive every stressful day all over again, I would; just to have an extra day with my love. 

Motherhood has introduced me to the greatest, fiercest love I have ever felt in my life. Words truly escape me when trying to describe my love and passion for this role. So I'll just end with a happy Mother's Day. Whether your baby is in your belly or fully grown, in your arms or in heaven; you're all deserving of so much love today and everyday. Much love to all of you beautiful women. 

A Letter To My Son

I love you. I love you more than I will ever be able to express with words alone, but I'll still try. You are beautiful and wonderful and the only perfect thing I've ever done; the best decision I've ever made. No matter how hard life gets, no matter how challenging being a young mother can be, I will never regret you. Because you're the one thing I've gotten right so far. I'm so flawed, so incredibly imperfect. I've disappointed so many people in my 20 years and I've made countless bad choices. I've seen a hundred stormy days and I've cried a million tears. I've been hurt and I've hurt others. I'm impatient and jaded and dramatic and insecure. And yet here you are. This perfect, beautiful soul and I made you. You come from me, my flawed and broken self. In you I see God and goodness and love and mercy and every beautiful thing in this vast universe. You are love. You bring out the very best in me. You make me starry-eyed and passionate and driven. You make me want to be my very best self. I know I'm not impressive. I know that not everyone will admire me. There will be people who will always disapprove of my choices and see the very worst in me. But forget them. I have you. I might never have an important career or expensive clothes or a big house. I might not even finish college. But I'll always be your mom, a damn good one, and that makes me proud of me. 

One Month With Liam

How is my baby already a month old!? I can't handle how quickly time is moving. It really does feel like just a few days ago I was sitting in a quiet, dimly lit hospital room at 3 in the morning, unable to sleep, staring at this tiny little person I had created. A month really sneak up on you. I'm treasuring every moment I have with this precious boy, because I feel like any minute he'll be 18 and off to start his life. 

Liam's first month has been full of ups and downs. In his first few weeks we were still getting a hang of things and it was tough. Breastfeeding was especially difficult at first. Neither one of us took to it right away, but now I can happily say we're old pros. It does get better, I promise. From day one Liam has pretty much slept through the night, we always get a 4 hour stretch at the very least so we got lucky in that respect. But I can't say I haven't had my days of total sleep deprivation. Sometimes I feel like all I need is a good 12 hour nap to feel like myself again; newborns are hard work. Like I said, breastfeeding is going well. Liam eats like a champ and luckily for me my body seems to be keeping up well. Nursing really drains me though (ba-dum-ch) and so I'm really appreciating having a baby that naps so often right now. The kid loves to sleep almost as much as he loves to eat. William and I have really enjoyed watching Liam grow and reach so many milestones. He's smiling so much and is starting to interact with us a lot more. He loves to be sung to and smiles and coos whenever we talk to him. He likes looking at the dangly toys on his play gym and watching the kitties wave their tails. He's magical, he really is.

 

Age: One month

Weight: 9 lbs 8oz

Milestones: Social smile, holding head up, cooing, squealing, reaching for objects, grasping. 

Likes: Cuddling, mama's milk, the swing, baths with mama, pulling moms hair, daddy, his pacifier, being sung to, kicking, sleeping. 

Dislikes: Sleeping alone, car rides, loud noises, baths alone, waiting for food, cold wipes. 

Liam Christopher's Birth Story

I've been putting off writing this for way too long. Partly because I'm busy caring for a newborn and partly because I'm afraid I won't do the story justice. I want it to come across as beautiful as it was and I'm afraid that I'll rush through it too much, so I'm going to try not to do that. Anyway, here it is. The story of the birth of my son, Liam Christopher. 

I couldn't sleep the night before my induction. I tried, I really did, but pregnancy insomnia coupled with the excitement of meeting my baby kept me tossing and turning all night. William snored beside me, I envied his ability to turn off his mind long enough to get some rest. At around 4:30 A.M. I gave up and ran a warm bath. I took my time soaking in the bubbly water and rubbing my round belly, knowing we'd be parting ways soon. Liam started his morning round of kicks and rolls, reminding me that he was still doing well. I got dressed, did my hair and makeup, and called the hospital to make sure that they had space for me. At 6 A.M. on Saturday, March 7th we were on our way! 

We arrived at the hospital and I was put in a big delivery room with huge windows that lit up the whole room with sunlight. At 38 weeks pregnant I tested positive for Group B Strep, so the first thing they did was start an IV of antibiotics while we waited for my midwife to give the orders on how to start my induction. I was already 3 cm dilated and 80% effaced at that point so we'd be able to skip straight to the pitocin. At around 8:20 A.M. the nurse started a Pitocin drip. And then we waited...

The first contraction came and I was so excited. Things were really happening! Then another came...and another...and another. They were becoming stronger and closer together way faster than I expected. I tried getting up and moving around, bouncing on the birth ball, etc. but I wasn't able to keep the external fetal heart rate monitor in position while doing anything but laying down and since I had a pitocin induction, the nurses' wanted to keep a close eye on Liam to make sure he was handling the contractions well. So bed rest it was. That was rough. The contractions were bad and having to lay on my back while I had them was even worse. So at 10:30 A.M. I asked for the epidural. 

I was really nervous about getting the epidural. Something about giant needles and my spine just doesn't sit well with me. It was also a little uncomfortable having to sit cross-legged and hunched over while painful contractions were racking my body. Getting the epidural was uncomfortable and I'll admit that it was a little painful for me but in the long run I really feel like it was so worth it. Again, that's my experience with the epidural and it really is different for everyone. 

At noon I was 5 cm dilated - woohoo! One of my biggest fears about being induced was that I wouldn't progress and would end up needing a c-section, so hearing that I was in fact making progress gave me relief. My midwife also broke my water at this time and discovered that there was a moderate amount of meconium in it. I suddenly felt even better about my decision to induce at 41+1 weeks. Liam's heart rate started to decelerate, something that is apparently common when the water is broken, but it didn't make me any less nervous. My midwife rolled me on my side and put an oxygen mask on me, then she attached a fetal heart rate monitor to his head so that they could monitor him more easily. I cried while all of this happened. I know how silly that sounds but I was honestly terrified. His heart rate normalized pretty quickly and I calmed down. All was well again. 

I should've used this time to sleep - I was exhausted - but instead I stayed up talking to William, my little sister, and my best friend. My dad stopped by for a little bit too. At 3:00 P.M. I was 7 cm dilated and 3 hours later at 6:20 P.M. I started feeling the urge to push. I was 10 cm dilated but my midwife was delivering another baby so I had to wait. Waiting to push was hard but it wasn't in vain. Liam was still pretty high, so that time spent waiting allowed him to move into the birth canal so that by the time my midwife got to my room, at about 7:10 P.M., he was more than ready to make his appearance. 

Despite my exhaustion, I put my all into every single push. I wanted to make them count. My midwife was so incredibly encouraging. At 7:24 P.M. my little love came earthside screaming. His cry was the most beautiful sound I had ever heard, so I cried too. 

I don't even mind that I have THREE chins in that second photo! Because when I look at it, all I feel is love. Motherhood is incredible. It truly is. I have never loved another person so much in my life. Liam is awake now and just in time, too because this post is about to get really cheesy and full of clichés about motherhood and other sappy stuff. So I'll end it here. Thank you for reading. 

Liam Christopher | 8lbs | 2oz | 20.5 in.

Countdown to Liam

I am writing this post as a preface to Liam's birth story in order to leave room for details of the actual birth in another post. This is an account of the days leading up to the birth of Liam Christopher Thorman. Thanks for reading. 

Monday

I had my 40 week appointment with my midwives on Monday, March 2nd and found out I was 3cm dilated and 80% effaced. That was exciting and surprising news! In hopes of getting things going, my midwife stripped my membranes. It was super painful and I think she went a little easy on me when she saw how uncomfortable I was. I brought up the idea of inducing labor after a certain point, not really thinking it'd be necessary, but wanting to cover all my bases. We reserved a spot in L&D for Saturday, March 7th at 6:30 a.m. I'd be 41 weeks and 1 day pregnant by then. I left feeling optimistic that things would pick up and I'd be in labor within 24 hours. Well, 24 hours came and went and I hadn't had more than a few slight cramps. I began feeling discouraged and unable to trust my body. I broke down and prayed as hard as I could, asking God for some clarity and insight into what my body was doing. Only half an hour later I lost my mucus plug. How's that for clarity? Even though I knew this wasn't necessarily a sign that labor was imminent, it gave me a sense of peace to know that my body was in fact making progress and I was that much closer to meeting my Liam. It was just what I needed. 

Tuesday 

Tuesday night I met with some friends and had a wonderful time talking and laughing and getting out of my dark bubble I had confined myself to for the past few days. At that point I was feeling the pressure of my induction date weighing heavily on my mind. Why had I set it so soon? Should I cancel? Just not show up? Would I be able to have the natural birth I desired? Was I doing my baby a disservice by inducing labor before he was ready? Everything I'd read my entire pregnancy had told me that induction should only be used when medically necessary, that my baby would come when he was ready. That electively inducing labor due to discomfort was a selfish decision. But it wasn't just about discomfort. In fact, at 40+3 weeks I still wasn't terribly uncomfortable. But mentally? I was a mess. My stress and anxiety were through the roof. And while I think it's important to trust your baby, I firmly believe it's more important to trust yourself. After talking to my friends, I felt empowered and reassured. I knew that I wasn't making this decision lightly. It wasn't because I was uncomfortable or tired of being pregnant. I just knew that if I hadn't gone into labor naturally by 41 weeks, I needed to be induced. I instinctively felt that it was truly the best decision for both my baby and myself. I found myself looking forward to the day of my induction (though still half-heartedly hoping that I might go into labor before then). There was a certain peace in knowing the exact day I'd be bringing my baby into the world. 

Thursday 

When Thursday morning rolled around, I was feeling optimistic that labor was imminent. I hardly slept Wednesday night and when I did I was woken up by mild, sporadic contractions. William and I started our morning at the wholesale nursery picking out plants for one of his clients. It was cold and windy outside and I felt at home in the warmth of the greenhouse, surrounded by my favorite plants. I took pictures in an attempt to capture the beauty and bliss that I felt. 

Total heaven. I know, I know. I'm getting way too sentimental over the succulents. I'm a big fan of nature, what can I say? After that, we went and had breakfast together which was really nice, even though my 41 week bump didn't fit in the booth. Yeah...embarrassing. At my appointment I found out I was still dilated to a 3 and 80% effaced. Even though I hadn't progressed since Monday, I was still happy with these results as they made me a favorable candidate for induction. She stripped my membranes and really "went for it" this time. It actually wasn't as painful as the first time I had it done, relaxation is key, I think. I had an NST (non stress test) to check on Liam's heart rate and movement and everything looked great.

I went home feeling crampy and sore and hoped that was a good sign. Later in the afternoon I went to the hospital to have labs drawn and go over the details of my upcoming induction. I left feeling confident that if I needed to be induced, it would likely be a positive experience. Something else happened in the span of that appointment though. I let go of a lot of expectations I'd had my entire pregnancy for how I wanted my birth to go. I acknowledged that induction by pitocin would likely trigger hard and very painful contractions and that it was very likely I'd be in a lot more pain than I would be if I went into labor naturally. Before Thursday, I had hoped that even if I did find myself in the middle of a very hard labor, I'd try to push through until it was too late to get an epidural. But once I had this epiphany, I realized that I really didn't want to be miserable. What is the point in wearing the badge of "Natural Birther" if I couldn't even look back on my birth experience and remember it as being a positive and enjoyable event? So I accepted that I might want an epidural. And I made peace with that. By late Thursday evening the cramps had died down and I began to put the idea of going into labor naturally out of my head. I allowed myself to get excited that I'd be meeting my baby in a couple of days. I decided to relax and enjoy my last two baby-free evenings with William. But I'll admit as I drifted to sleep that night, I held onto a glimmer of hope that the full moon might bring me a baby. 

Friday 

Friday morning I woke up fully aware that this would be the longest day of my life so far. William got an early jump on the day, eager to finish his last big job before the birth of our son. The apartment was quiet and glowing with the soft, blue light of the early morning. I curled up in bed with my two cats on either side of me and my round belly cradled in my arms. I did all I could to soak up the moment. This last calm morning. 

I found myself suddenly wanting to capture every little moment of solace. Wanting to hold on tight to these last hours of my pregnancy. Liam must have sensed a shift in energy that day because he was taking full advantage of what little room he had left to roll and stretch. I did my best to soak it all in and remember what his movements felt like. The rest of the day I just relaxed. I took the occasional nap, snuggled with my cats, napped some more, and half-heartedly watched some TV. All the while daydreaming about what it would feel like to hold my first-born son in my arms. Foolishly, I didn't sleep that night. I knew I'd need to energy for the marathon of an event I was going to experience the next day but nothing I tried allowed me to shut my brain off. I finally gave up and began preparing for the day around 4:00 am. 

To Be Continued...

40 Weeks!

Holy cow, I'm 10 months pregnant! Just a few short weeks ago I truly didn't believe this day would come, and now I'm not sure I'll ever go into labor! I woke up yesterday morning and noticed my stomach had changed dramatically...I dropped! Finally! I was starting to think maybe I wouldn't drop until right before going into labor but low (see what I did there?) and behold, that baby dropped! My belly is protruding a lot more now and I can feel his little hands wiggling around waaaaay down in my pelvis. 

Hello dirty mirror. 

I got excited and took a picture first thing in the morning, hence the wife beater, boy shorts, and sleepy eyes. So all yesterday I felt "birthy". My back was killing me, I had menstrual-like cramps, I felt very zen and at peace with things. But then I took a super nap and woke up on the wrong side of the bed. One thing just kept leading to another. William and I have been doing a "Countdown to Liam" date night marathon where we go on a date every night until baby is here. Last night we went to an adorable hole-in-the-wall traditional Japanese restaurant and I ended up ordering a sushi roll I didn't really love. That made me a little crabby. Then I found out that my book Ina May's Guide to Childbirth somehow disappeared off the face of the earth when we were in-between cars a little while ago. It wasn't in the one place we thought for sure it had to be and I was really bummed because I've been wanting to finish reading the birth stories before I give birth. That made me really crabby. And it all just escalated from there. We saw The Imitation Game and there was a really obnoxious couple in the theatre that talked loudly through the whole movie and by the end I was annoyed and had a killer backache. 

When we got home I took a warm bath, did hip rolls on my yoga ball, and ate some pasta and instantly felt better. I slept most of the day today. I decided to turn my phone off in order to avoid the influx of calls and texts I've been getting from curious and excited friends and relatives. "Is baby coming?" "Still pregnant?" I love all of you but oh my goodness I can't handle it right now. I'm feeling very "internal" and withdrawn today. Not quite myself. Like I just want to be left alone. Not in a moody "leave me alone" way, but more so a desire for solace.

 Now that Liam has mostly dropped and is actively trying to engage into my pelvis, my belly has gotten really heavy. So I'm more than just a little uncomfortable at the moment and it'd be nice to meet my baby soon! Not to mention if I get one more text asking if I'm still pregnant my head will likely explode! 

So there's my scatter-brained 40 week update. I hope my next update is to inform you all that I've just given birth! But if not, see you at 41 weeks!

39 Weeks Update

Hey, friends!

As of today - February 20th, 2015 - I have been pregnant for 39 weeks! Dang. I'm feeling a little impatient but overall pretty good. Last week I made a little trip to Labor and Delivery because I was having hard contractions about 3 minutes apart. Long story short, they didn't last and I was sent home. False alarms are huge bummers. So here I am, still waiting. And that's okay! Because I trust my baby and my body to do their thing on their own time. Luckily I'm finally getting over my nasty cold. I was worried I'd be sick when I went into labor so that's a huge relief. 

So here's how things are going at 39 weeks:

Due Date: 7 days away - February 27th

Weight Gained: 30lbs

Feeling: A little sore, some back and pelvic pain. Irritable some days. Mostly pretty good. 

Movement: Baby Liam is extremely active still. He rolls around and pokes and jabs quite a bit. 

Position: Head down, pretty low, and anterior most of the time. He occasionally turns posterior but usually only if I'm reclining. 

Complaints: My biggest complaint is boredom! I'm so bored most of the day and it's getting hard to find things to occupy my time. Also, it's getting harder to sleep at night with this lower back pain. 

Tonight I went to dinner with William and then we walked around the outdoor mall for a little bit. It felt good to get moving but it took its toll on my hips/pelvis after a while. I came home and took a really long ice cold shower (I've been so hot all day). It felt so good and I feel like a new woman. Tomorrow I'll do a little yoga and have lunch with a friend. I'm going to make the most of these final days of my pregnancy. I'm blessed to be carrying this little life inside of me and I want to cherish every moment I have left. 

P.S. How great is that photo of me!? It was taken by my good friend and photographer, Karsen Zach who recently shot my maternity photos. Thanks Karsen!

38 Weeks - Staying busy in the TWW

And welcome to the big "two week wait"! Yes, in reality I could be waiting less or more than two weeks, but I'm officially two weeks from my estimated due date! Hooray! 

This is around the time most women find themselves getting a little antsy, and for good reason. At this point you've shared your body with another person for over 9 months, you're tired, your hips hurt, you waddle when you walk, and chances are you've spent more than a couple sleepless nights cleaning your baseboards or decluttering your junk drawer (nesting, amirite?) 

It's occurred to me that staying busy during this time can be really tough. Just about all I think about is how much longer I have to wait before I go into labor. I'm constantly straddling the fence between "Come when you're ready, baby." and "GET THE HECK OUTTA ME, KID!"  Ah yes, a very conflicting time indeed. But it really doesn't help to sit on my phone, googling "signs of labor" and "how to ripen your cervix". 

Here are some ways I'm attempting to get birth off the brain: 

1. Binge watch a TV series.

Any show will do. I chose Sex and the City because all 6 seasons are on HBO on Demand and I figure that's plenty to keep me occupied for 4 more weeks, if need be. (Plus, who doesn't love Sex and the City?) 

2. Start a book. 

Or finish that one that's been sitting on your nightstand for the past 6 months that you haven't gotten around to reading past the preface. I have been meaning to finish reading Never Let Me Go for a few months now but have been too distracted to just do it. So what better time to really dive in than now?

3. Go out. 

Okay, so I know this one is iffy. Either you're dying to get out of the house or you'd rather die than be forced to wear anything but sweats. Regardless, now is a good time to get out of the house and have a little fun. It could be a while before you're able to do it again (without a little person on your hip). 

4. Sleep

Ah, my favorite. I sleep a lot these days and it feels soooo good. If you can sneak a nap (or two) into your schedule then you really should. Yes, it's true that newborns sleep a lot and you may be able to nap when the baby does, but the quality of that sleep is questionable at best. It's probably a good idea to get in some good, long naps while you can. 

5. Do what you love. 

Cook with your significant other, dance around the house, knit, scrapbook, make love, write in your journal, take a walk, you get the point. Whatever makes you happy, do it. It's easy to fall into a funk when you're being forced to wait indefinitely for something you want so badly to happen Right. Now. Don't let yourself. Don't even give yourself the chance to get bummed out and stuck in a rut. 

Enjoy these last days of your pregnancy, because before you know it, there won't be a bump in front of you to cradle and caress. And although you'll have a baby to take its place, you just might miss it. 

Embrace This Change

William and I are on our way home from Dallas this morning so I'm using this opportunity to catch up on some blogging. It's been a while since I've taken the time to sit down and write about anything, really. 

The other day I stood in front of my bathroom mirror in my underwear and took a good hard look at my body. It's kind of surreal looking at how much pregnancy has changed me physically. My face is rounder, my hips wider, and stretch marks have appeared in places I never imagined they would. I've mostly accepted these changes. I'm aware of all that my body is doing and I know that, while shocking, these changes aren't bad. But as I looked at my reflection, I decided that merely accepting these changes isn't good enough for me. I want to love and embrace them. It's not easy to say "I love my body" when society is constantly telling you to hate it. The resounding message is to change or hide your flaws, not to embrace them. That's life. I get it. I'm not changing society anytime soon and honestly that's not my goal. If I can inspire just one person to love themselves completely, flaws and all, then I'll feel accomplished. 

I don't think it's bad to want to better yourself. Self improvement is important and can even be good for the soul. But only when it's approached from a place of love and positivity. I see women who haven't even given birth yet planning out their postpartum weight loss regimen. Woah. Give yourself a break! It's okay to take time to heal and recover. I just hate that anywoman feels pressured to look exactly like she did pre-baby. Motherhood changes you in so many incredible ways; mind, body, and soul. 

Embrace this change. 

My very new, very different, and beautifully flawed body at 36 weeks pregnant. 

36 weeks

Looking back at my 26th week update made me laugh out loud. I thought I was sore and tired then? HA. How cute. I am HUGE, sore, and utterly exhausted. It's really amazing though because I can totally feel all the ways my body is gearing up for labor. The most obvious change is how loose my pelvis feels. I have the pregnant lady waddle down perfectly and my joints are constantly popping. Heartburn has been literal hell. I caved and finally got a prescription for Zantac and I'm so thankful I did. There are some things natural remedies just don't work for and my particular brand of pregnancy heartburn is one of them. 

I'm mostly just really ready to birth this baby. 4(ish) weeks to go!