I am writing this post as a preface to Liam's birth story in order to leave room for details of the actual birth in another post. This is an account of the days leading up to the birth of Liam Christopher Thorman. Thanks for reading.
Monday
I had my 40 week appointment with my midwives on Monday, March 2nd and found out I was 3cm dilated and 80% effaced. That was exciting and surprising news! In hopes of getting things going, my midwife stripped my membranes. It was super painful and I think she went a little easy on me when she saw how uncomfortable I was. I brought up the idea of inducing labor after a certain point, not really thinking it'd be necessary, but wanting to cover all my bases. We reserved a spot in L&D for Saturday, March 7th at 6:30 a.m. I'd be 41 weeks and 1 day pregnant by then. I left feeling optimistic that things would pick up and I'd be in labor within 24 hours. Well, 24 hours came and went and I hadn't had more than a few slight cramps. I began feeling discouraged and unable to trust my body. I broke down and prayed as hard as I could, asking God for some clarity and insight into what my body was doing. Only half an hour later I lost my mucus plug. How's that for clarity? Even though I knew this wasn't necessarily a sign that labor was imminent, it gave me a sense of peace to know that my body was in fact making progress and I was that much closer to meeting my Liam. It was just what I needed.
Tuesday
Tuesday night I met with some friends and had a wonderful time talking and laughing and getting out of my dark bubble I had confined myself to for the past few days. At that point I was feeling the pressure of my induction date weighing heavily on my mind. Why had I set it so soon? Should I cancel? Just not show up? Would I be able to have the natural birth I desired? Was I doing my baby a disservice by inducing labor before he was ready? Everything I'd read my entire pregnancy had told me that induction should only be used when medically necessary, that my baby would come when he was ready. That electively inducing labor due to discomfort was a selfish decision. But it wasn't just about discomfort. In fact, at 40+3 weeks I still wasn't terribly uncomfortable. But mentally? I was a mess. My stress and anxiety were through the roof. And while I think it's important to trust your baby, I firmly believe it's more important to trust yourself. After talking to my friends, I felt empowered and reassured. I knew that I wasn't making this decision lightly. It wasn't because I was uncomfortable or tired of being pregnant. I just knew that if I hadn't gone into labor naturally by 41 weeks, I needed to be induced. I instinctively felt that it was truly the best decision for both my baby and myself. I found myself looking forward to the day of my induction (though still half-heartedly hoping that I might go into labor before then). There was a certain peace in knowing the exact day I'd be bringing my baby into the world.
Thursday
When Thursday morning rolled around, I was feeling optimistic that labor was imminent. I hardly slept Wednesday night and when I did I was woken up by mild, sporadic contractions. William and I started our morning at the wholesale nursery picking out plants for one of his clients. It was cold and windy outside and I felt at home in the warmth of the greenhouse, surrounded by my favorite plants. I took pictures in an attempt to capture the beauty and bliss that I felt.
Total heaven. I know, I know. I'm getting way too sentimental over the succulents. I'm a big fan of nature, what can I say? After that, we went and had breakfast together which was really nice, even though my 41 week bump didn't fit in the booth. Yeah...embarrassing. At my appointment I found out I was still dilated to a 3 and 80% effaced. Even though I hadn't progressed since Monday, I was still happy with these results as they made me a favorable candidate for induction. She stripped my membranes and really "went for it" this time. It actually wasn't as painful as the first time I had it done, relaxation is key, I think. I had an NST (non stress test) to check on Liam's heart rate and movement and everything looked great.
I went home feeling crampy and sore and hoped that was a good sign. Later in the afternoon I went to the hospital to have labs drawn and go over the details of my upcoming induction. I left feeling confident that if I needed to be induced, it would likely be a positive experience. Something else happened in the span of that appointment though. I let go of a lot of expectations I'd had my entire pregnancy for how I wanted my birth to go. I acknowledged that induction by pitocin would likely trigger hard and very painful contractions and that it was very likely I'd be in a lot more pain than I would be if I went into labor naturally. Before Thursday, I had hoped that even if I did find myself in the middle of a very hard labor, I'd try to push through until it was too late to get an epidural. But once I had this epiphany, I realized that I really didn't want to be miserable. What is the point in wearing the badge of "Natural Birther" if I couldn't even look back on my birth experience and remember it as being a positive and enjoyable event? So I accepted that I might want an epidural. And I made peace with that. By late Thursday evening the cramps had died down and I began to put the idea of going into labor naturally out of my head. I allowed myself to get excited that I'd be meeting my baby in a couple of days. I decided to relax and enjoy my last two baby-free evenings with William. But I'll admit as I drifted to sleep that night, I held onto a glimmer of hope that the full moon might bring me a baby.
Friday
Friday morning I woke up fully aware that this would be the longest day of my life so far. William got an early jump on the day, eager to finish his last big job before the birth of our son. The apartment was quiet and glowing with the soft, blue light of the early morning. I curled up in bed with my two cats on either side of me and my round belly cradled in my arms. I did all I could to soak up the moment. This last calm morning.
I found myself suddenly wanting to capture every little moment of solace. Wanting to hold on tight to these last hours of my pregnancy. Liam must have sensed a shift in energy that day because he was taking full advantage of what little room he had left to roll and stretch. I did my best to soak it all in and remember what his movements felt like. The rest of the day I just relaxed. I took the occasional nap, snuggled with my cats, napped some more, and half-heartedly watched some TV. All the while daydreaming about what it would feel like to hold my first-born son in my arms. Foolishly, I didn't sleep that night. I knew I'd need to energy for the marathon of an event I was going to experience the next day but nothing I tried allowed me to shut my brain off. I finally gave up and began preparing for the day around 4:00 am.
To Be Continued...
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