The D Word

Today's post is brought to you by the letter D. This is a difficult post to make because it's a topic I don't enjoy being transparent about. It makes me feel uncomfortable to let people I'm not close to know that I am struggling. But lately I've tried to be a little more transparent about it because I can see the efforts being made by others to get rid of the stigma attached to mental illness. That's right, D is for Depression. I chose this particular photo for my header because it's a picture of something I absolutely love to do, take my baby for walks, but something that's monumentally hard for me to do when I'm depressed. Do you remember that commercial that was on several years ago? It was for cymbalta or some other anti-depressant. Anyway, in the ad, a woman tried going about her daily routine and you can tell she's not feeling it and you can see those around her are being affected by it. The ad keeps repeating "depression hurts" - everywhere, everything, everyone - and it's so true. Depression is a painful mental illness. It hurts my body, it hurts my heart, and it hurts my loved ones. I can blame depression for a million things going wrong on my life. I blame depression for my drastic weight gain, I blame depression for the demise of my relationship, and I blame depression for keeping my child cooped up inside all day. 

As a lot of you know, I recently started a new diet and workout routine. I was lucky to start on a good day. If you have ever struggled with depression or anxiety then you know what a good day looks like. You might have gotten more than 3 hours of sleep, you wake up content and motivated, etc. but when Wednesday came 'round that dark cloud started to rear it's ugly head. It made its presence known first by stealing my appetite and then my motivation and suddenly achieving my daily goals felt a lot like running a race in quicksand. Every day since then I've had to force myself out of bed, out of the house, into the shower. I've had to force healthy food in my mouth because suddenly, nothing tastes good. I'm still pushing through my workouts because honestly, that's the easiest hard thing for me to do right now. It has a beginning and an end. But it's asking too much of me to say "make a healthy meal and eat it". 

I wish "fixing" myself were as simple as making a list of things I'm grateful for or talking to a therapist or going for a run or popping a magic little pill. But it's not. So I have to keep on doing the best to my ability. I have to continue trudging through this quicksand until I make it to the other side, if only to be there for a little while. 

I want to tell you something though. Depression doesn't define me. It doesn't determine my abilities as a mother. Nothing is black and white and sometimes, you can care for another person before caring for yourself. Sometimes you have to. 

I hope if you're struggling with depression or anxiety or any mental illness you won't try to walk through the quicksand alone. I hope you'll talk about it without fear of judgement. I hope you'll write about it or sing about it or joke about it or do absolutely anything necessary to get it out there. And if it's something you do, pray.  Let Christ help you carry the burden. It's not yours alone to bear. 

Brenna 

On Being Extraordinary

"What will you have accomplished by this day's end?"

I ask myself this question at least a dozen times each day. I have to. It keeps me focused, driven, motivated. I am not a focused, driven, or motivated person. I'm just not. In fact, I'm pretty lazy most of the time. Asking myself this question often reminds me to do something productive before the day is over. Whether that be a load of laundry, filling an etsy order, loading the dishwasher, etc. ANYTHING. Besides caring for my 4 month old round the clock because, oh yeah, I do that too. Accomplishing small tasks throughout the day makes me feel productive, but it doesn't actually make me feel accomplished. In fact, I haven't felt truly accomplished in a while. I think that's a symptom of being a stay at home mom sometimes. The ins and outs of our day-to-day lives can feel very average and even mundane. It's difficult to feel like I'm truly accomplishing anything despite feeling absolutely drained at the end of each day. 

I wake up every morning at around 6 AM (after roughly 4-5 hours of sleep, on a good night), change L's diaper, nurse him, attempt to feed myself a decent breakfast (usually end up settling for dry toast), entertain him for a couple of hours, change his diaper, nurse him down for a nap, tackle a chore or two, change L's diaper, nurse him, wear him in the sling while doing various tasks, change his diaper, play with him, nurse him down again, attempt to have some down time, change his diaper, nurse him...and the whole day pretty much looks like that on repeat until bed time. 

Even though I do so much every day, I struggle with feeling truly accomplished. I feel very, well...ordinary. And I don't like it. I want to feel extraordinary. But, how? What will it take for me to feel like I'm not "just average"? I don't know that I ever won't feel that way and I don't know that it matters. 

You know the saying, "beauty is in the eye of the beholder"? Well, maybe greatness is in the eye of the beholder as well. What truly measures greatness? To some, greatness is a Ph.D. To others, it's selflessness and a servant's heart. Some people measure greatness in riches. So perhaps greatness is relative. In that case, who's to say I'm not great? Who's to say I'm not extraordinary? I might not be your idea of extraordinary. I might not even be my own idea of extraordinary. But that doesn't mean I'm not.

There isn't one factor that makes an ordinary person extraordinary, just like there isn't one thing in particular that makes a person beautiful. We are all just human beings attempting to be the best versions of ourselves. Maybe we are all extraordinary, and if we'd only stop comparing ourselves to our neighbors we would see it, too. If every day you are doing the best that you can do to be better, to move forward, to grow; then you are being extraordinary. Remember that. 

Via Pinterest.com

Three Months With Liam

6/7/15

Please. Stop. Growing. I can hardly believe you are 3 months old! This month your really started to look different. I can finally see more of myself in you! You definitely have mama's eyes, especially when you smile and they turn into little crescents like tiny moons above your cheeks. You are the definition of love. Always smiling and cheerful. You love everyone, but mama most! You're starting to grab things now, like your giraffe wubba nub and your cow chew toy that we call "el becerro". They're your favorite toys and when your aunt Stella draws pictures for you she always includes them. You are reaching and grabbing and chewing everything. This month you had your final hearing screening and you passed with flying colors. You went swimming for the first time and loved it, just like I knew you would. My little Pisces babe. You also started to giggle a lot more, but no full belly laughs just yet. In your third month of life you wore mostly size 0-3 months. Some 3 months clothes are a little big on you still. We celebrated my first Mother's Day this month, thank you for being the reason I get to celebrate. We also went to your first catholic mass for aunt Claire's 8th grade graduation. You didn't like it when people clapped. Your third month was a good one. I love you with my whole heart. 

-Mommy

6/29/2015

Today you demanded every ounce of my attention. You wouldn't let me look away from you. Your papa and I took you to the park and pushed you on the swings. You laughed and laughed. Your smile nearly made my heart burst with happiness. I nursed you to sleep and your daddy took you  to bed so that I could relax for a bit. I'm so happy to be laying beside you now. You make life worth living. 

Two months with Liam

Catch up post! Liam is already almost 4 months old but I completely got sidetracked and never published his two month post. So here it is. better late than never!

5/7/2015

Liam, you are 2 months old! This month you did a lot of growing. You make me and your papa so, so proud. Your little face changed as fat began to fill the wrinkles in your skin. You are much more alert now, I can see you taking in everything around you. You are content to just watch all the excitement quietly from my arms. Some days are hard as we both learn to roll with the punches and adjust to life with you on the outside. Daddy works hard so that I can stay home with you all day long. You are my favorite person. 

Weight: 12 lbs 3 oz 

Height: 24.7 in

Head cir.: 16.2 in

Milestones: better head control, holds head up when on belly. 

It's summer!

Ah, summer. Not my favorite season, but one to be enjoyed nonetheless. Where I live, it gets painfully hot in the summer time. It's not unusual to have 108 degree days. But despite the blistering heat, sunburns, sweaty pits, and mosquitoes, it can be nice. There's always an excuse to get in the pool, a backyard BBQ is never far, and my birthday comes around in July. Not too shabby! I'm turning 21 this year and I have so much more to celebrate than my first legal drink. This will be my first birthday as a mom and I couldn't be more grateful. Liam is my greatest gift. So, fittingly, I'll be celebrating my special day with the most special person in my life. 

In other news; in 24 hours (and then a little) I'll have a 12 week old baby! Holy cow. STOP. GROWING. I'm for real. You need to chill with that nonsense. And he really is growing like a weed. We're in the middle of a very big, very painful growth spurt at the moment. I'm talking nursing every hour, too tired to sleep, fussing nonstop. He seems to be past the worst of it but it doesn't help that he's also teething. Anyway, I hate to complain. I actually do have a really "good" baby. I have very little to gripe about in the grand scheme of things. 

So that's a little update on what's going on in our neck of the woods. What's happening in yours?

Until next time! 

My First Mother's Day

First, let me wish a very happy Mother's Day to all of you beautiful mamas and mamas-to-be! Mother's Day is such an important day because, though we should recognize our mothers every day, it's also nice to have a whole day to be acknowledged by those you love most in the world - your children. 

This year I celebrated my first Mother's Day as a mom. It was mellow and uneventful, but so, so good. I woke up and cuddled with Will and Liam, had brunch with my family, took my sisters out for ice cream, took a nap with my squish, then took some Mother's Day photos while the sun set. It was truly perfect. 

There's no feeling like being a mother. To look into your child's eyes and see yourself reflected is indescribable. Motherhood is raw and emotional and terrifying and beautiful all at once; and it is the greatest job I have ever had. Today I was able to reflect on that. Liam was conceived close to this time last year and I've been thinking about all the events leading up to his conception. Several friends of mine had dreams that I was pregnant or had a child and then I began having dreams that I had a baby. I think I was meant to have a child young. Nothing has ever felt more natural or right. I certainly have my moments of frustration and impatience, but if I could relive every stressful day all over again, I would; just to have an extra day with my love. 

Motherhood has introduced me to the greatest, fiercest love I have ever felt in my life. Words truly escape me when trying to describe my love and passion for this role. So I'll just end with a happy Mother's Day. Whether your baby is in your belly or fully grown, in your arms or in heaven; you're all deserving of so much love today and everyday. Much love to all of you beautiful women.